Riftwood
by chicapet99
Summary: The crew from Serenity seems to have fallen through the rift in Cardiff. Torchwood has taken them in. Lulzy character interactions.
1. Chapter 1

While most of the crew seemed to be taking it all quite well, Jayne was an odd picture, guarded, but with a slack jaw. The guided tour, courtesy of Ianto, reached the cellars. "What," he barked, "the gorram hell is THAT?!"

Ianto suppressed a grin, the side of his mouth twitching in amusement. "Weevil," he stated simply.

The bigger man spun 'round, eyes wild, hand to his hip holster. "What'd you call me?"

A restraining hand was placed on his gun arm. Mal. "Not you. Her. She's a weevil. Beautiful, innit? Bite your head off, though."

Jayne gazed at her, his eyes strangely soft. "Wuddya call her?"

"I'm sorry?"

He coughed. "What's it called?" He said more gruffly, and louder.

The well dressed guide raised his brow. "Janet."

Jayne grunted. Ianto glanced among the group. Kaylee looked girlishly amused, while Wash gave Zoe a juvenile look, who in turn looked disgusted. Mal and Inara still gazed at Janet, River following their shadows with quizzical eyes. Book made eye contact with Ianto expectantly. "So if you'll just step further down the hall…that's it, watch your step…" Ianto glanced back at Jayne, several feet behind the group.

Mal barked back at him, "Jayne! Get a move on! She's not a friggin puppy. She can't come out to play."

Begrudgingly, and mumbling under his breath, he joined the group. Echoing down the hall was the sound of a weevil's moan.


	2. Chapter 2

Owen smacked Tosh's arm. "Did you see that? That big ape guy just set off the bloody weevil! What the hell was that about? I mean he was just staring, and—"

"Yes, Owen, I was sitting right here. I saw," Tosh said patiently. "They probably connect on some base level, the man is completely barbaric."

* * *

The Serenity's crew had only been on this side of the rift a few days, most of that time spent in the custody of Torchwood members. Jack and Ianto had taken Mal under their wing, to…discuss the science of the rift, and the whereabouts of Serenity. Simon and Owen were in the autopsy room, Owen hungrily absorbing knowledge of future medical technology in return for a medical examination of River, under Simon's strict supervision. Gwen had taken Kaylee and Inara back to her place, equipped with a better excuse for Rhys than that 50's incident, after getting Zoe, Wash, and Book set up where Emma and John had stayed. Toshiko didn't want to bring any more Torchwood to Gwen's personal life than was necessary, and really had no desire to know what Jack was planning behind closed doors. She had settled for slipping downstairs for the free medical lecture. However, with a harassed glare from Owen, a sympathetic smile from Simon, and an appraising look-over from River, it was brought to her opinion that she would only bog the conversation down with unnecessary and stupid questions. That left her in the hub. With Jayne. Alone. It was uncomfortable at best.

Toshiko had long since given up on trying to hold intelligent conversation with him; he responded in grunts and distracted "huh?" 's as he lazily raised his eyes to her face. She instead busied herself at her desk, crunching numbers and rushing about looking at papers strewn across the long surface. She pretended to ignore him as his eyes bored into her arse, impatient grunts perpetrated by her constant movement, interrupting the rustling of papers. Tosh's hand flew to her ear piece. "What? Jack I'd *love* to bring you an extra mug for Mal. Everyone needs to try Ianto's coffee! Yes, yes I know…it's good, I know. Great. Yes." She rolled her eyes, while shoving past a confused and frustrated looking Jayne. "Thank God for timing, Jack."

* * *

"Yeah," Owen said distractedly, focusing on Zoe's well fitting top, "he's a real sod…"

Tosh sighed frustratedly, glaring at him. "You'll get along great, then."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N Thanks so much to Senket for making me do this, and pre-reading of course, and to Splintered Glass for being fantastic =]

Meanwhile, the hormones were thick in the air of Jack's office. Jack could hardly keep from giggling at the horrifyingly confused expressions Mal was casting him. Ianto was bouncing back and forth between sullen and joining in on the fun, so fast that he couldn't quite remember which face to wear. The result was a comical combination of lips tersely pressed together and eyes dancing giddily. He ran his hand through his hair, getting a grip on himself. He wasn't a jealous man, not really. But having Mal and Jack around was, in some very odd way, like having two jacks; which was both terrifying and magnificent. His poor brain couldn't quite decide which to react to.

The way they bantered together was frightening. Both exceedingly childish in nature and humor, Mal embodied sarcasm and comic disbelief, while Jack was all boyish flirtation, glinting eyes and grins. That's not to say that their feelings towards each other were exactly on the same playing field, but they did get along quite well.

"I'll bet you a hundred whatever-it-is-you-bet-around-here's that I been to more planets than you, Captain Harkness," Mal said with a grin, leaning forward on the table towards Jack, in what was intended to be threatening. Jack never interpreted things how they were intended. He grinned, his eyes glinting dangerously. "Yeah?"

Ianto's eyes darted back and forth between the two, his heart rate rising, but for fear or exhilarated excitement he wasn't sure. "Uh, Mal, sir, don't you think it would be wise to know what native planets bet, before betting with their currency? Obviously you haven't been to as enough planets to be street-wise about it, so perhaps you should rescind that bet."

The captain chuckled, "Oho, Ianto, you're that positive my currency is the same for everyone?" His American lilt popped the consonants.

Ianto swallowed, concentrating on a spot on the wall, just to the left of his lover's ear; anything to retain communication capabilities through the vines of thought threading their way dangerously close to his groin. Mal looked between the two of them, briefly donning his face reserved for customers. "Now we wouldn't want any unfair trade, gentlemen. But a bet's a bet, Mr. Yan-To, and I don' t know what this currency is, but if you side with me I'll do ya fifty-fifty—sound like a deal?" Ianto nodded, still struggling to not concentrate on the American accent now bombarding him from both sides. These men were truly too much alike. Under different circumstances, maybe… "Ianto what do you say? You in or out on this one?" Mal queried gravely, raising one eyebrow.

"I'm uh…" Ianto shook his head. "I'm in, sir." He knew the poor off-worlder would lose, but it would be awkward having him and Jack on the same side. He'd have to sacrifice yet another dose of dignity.

His new partner grinned with a wink. "Atta boy!" he said coyly, slugging him roughly on the shoulder.

Ianto smile-grimaced, some sort of sound coming from his mouth meant to be approving agreement—it sounded more like a dog choking while being kicked.

Jack raised his eyebrow, his grin faltering just for a moment. "Ianto, chin up. And bet against me as much as you like—I always win."

"You're a bloody cheat, sir," he smiled, lowering his head. "You always cheat."


End file.
